UNNNNGGGHH. The site was down for OVER TWO DAYS. And of that time, I was working on trying to fix it for about … 35 hours. I wasn’t even on any strong pain killers!
All of this just to upgrade from Mac OS X 10.10 to macOS 10.13. Apple RAIDs and incompatible server versions and disallowed kexts, oh my.
The good news is, we appear to be back up and running, and won’t have to go through anything like this again for a while. After all, the last time was in 2012.